Suddenly Wanting To Reconnect

I ran into a high school acquaintance a few Saturdays ago at a Luminato event. We had a very good conversation, after which I asked if she was on Facebook. After getting an affirmative answer, we exchanged Facebook names; I added her as a friend that evening.

I think the events of that day have served as a catalyst for the recent friend requests I've made on Facebook. When I first signed up, I knew of many people from grade school who were also there, but I didn't rush to add them as friends. The truth is that I was scared of their possible rejections due to past indiscretions with my temper, which I touched on in this post. However, in the past few days, I've made five friend requests to people whom I at least thought treated me with respect back in my school days.

Four have been accepted so far. If number five rejects, it's her loss.

Rockin' The Sure Shot

My current camera is a Fujifilm FinePix A510; I've had it for almost three years. My reason for purchase was to take photographs of my 2006 summer vacation in Montreal; I probably thought that I would just use it for subsequent vacations after that one.

As you've probably figured out, I've used it for much more than that purpose - so much so that I've been seriously considering an upgrade to a DSLR (digital single lens reflex) camera. In recent days, I've been researching cameras from companies like Nikon, Canon and Sony. Also, while I was taking photos this afternoon, I checked the brands of the cameras (particularly the DSLRs) which people brought with them, and Nikon and Canon definitely stood out. Interesting fact: while on my way home from church tonight, I looked at a temporary carnival at Jane-Finch Mall and guessed the shutter speed and aperture I'd need in order to take good shots. I've never needed to consider those parameters with my current camera, but once I step up to the DSLR leagues, their considerations would be my bread and shutter.

So far, I've spoken with a few people (about three) about which brand I should go with; they've all said that Nikon is my best bet. Furthermore, one of the trainers at my gym recommended that I go with the Nikon D60 as an entry-level DSLR. In truth, even before I asked him, I short-listed this camera as one of my choices (along with the Canon EOS 450D).

Until I save enough money for this purchase, my Fuji will continue to be my main camera. Furthermore, even if I save enough money, I'll still need to find full-time work before the end of July - otherwise, my savings will go toward my living expenses.

Do I Know Where I'm Going To?

As I continue to recover from my recent outsourcing, I'm faced with possibly the biggest decision of my life so far: continue to look for a job or go back to school.

So far, it looks as if I should go with the former option. If I go with the latter choice, I'd still need to look for a part-time job to sustain myself while I hit the books. I'm the primary breadwinner in my household and I have no one to fall back on if my income dries up. Besides, Lord only knows that this job could be an even bigger insult to my intelligence than my former job ever was, and there is no way that I'm going to willingly put myself through that again. Having said that, some short-term pain (the part-time job) is probably warranted in light of the long-term gain (the dividends from returning to school).

At least my provincial (Ontario) government has a program to help people who are in my situation and willing to go back to school for retraining. It's fittingly called Second Career; the gist is that the government pays for tuition and other expenses if you qualify for this assistance. Mind you, there is a process which every applicant needs to go through - however, the prospect of changing careers on the government's dime sounds worthwhile, especially considering the possible long-term benefits.

Personally, the fields of study relating to the arts sound very appealing to me, especially as a person who thrives on being creative. I used to produce drum 'n bass music as Charlie Van Pelt, and I terribly miss those days...

Regretting My Low Social Capital (Part 3)

This is the final post in this series. I promise.

Up to now, I've been lamenting my low social capital. The solution here should be really easy: get out more, deliberately meet more people and stop living like a hermit. Unfortunately, this is not the case.

As a matter of fact, I've come to the point where I'm so used to the disease that I'm afraid the cure will kill me.

For example, this weekend, a "surprise" birthday party is being held in honour of one of my church's pastors. I put "surprise" in quotes because he probably knows about it already, but he'll need to act surprised at the event. Anyway, being an active member of my church, you'd think that I'd sign up right away - but I didn't. Actually, I didn't sign up at all.

It's not that I have anything against the pastor himself. Au contraire, I very much respect him, especially for sometimes injecting secular songs into his sermons and not giving a crap what people think about it. It's just that I don't want to find myself in a socially embarrassing situation, where I end up sitting with people I don't know and become the odd one out while they talk amongst themselves. Worse, I could end up being forced into conversation when all I want to do is sit, eat and take in my surroundings. Given the fact that I'm on stage every week (I sing on backup and in the adult choir), this is a very real possibility. I've been through these situations enough times to know better than to risk repeated public awkwardness.

There are only two types of people who willingly jump into the same fire twice: firefighters and idiots. At least firefighters get paid for it.

So I'm going to let that "celebration" pass and do what I think is best: go to Indigo and read a few magazines...by myself, thank you very much.

Regretting My Low Social Capital (Part 2)

I had a lot more to say in part one, but it would have been too much for one post. Picking up from where I left off...

I'm at the point in my life where I'd love to share it with a special woman, but due to my low friend count, I sometimes think that I'm getting ahead of myself - as if I'm putting the cart before the horse. A good number of dating articles say that being a loner can be a red flag when looking for a mate, although some say that this can work for good, too. Having said that, in my experience, my lack of friends always proves to be a stumbling block.

A few years ago, there was one pretty (or so I thought) young lady who recently started going to my church. Honestly, it was a crush from first sight; it took me quite a bit of time to chalk up the nerve to ask for her number. When I did, I didn't exactly play it smooth, but I ended up coming off very nervously. Perhaps she sensed this and already wrote me off before I dialed her digits and made my pitch.

That first call was very awkward, to say the least. Among the questions asked: when did I last have a girlfriend (junior high school), what was my testimony - or did I not have one (I found that last part very rude), and who did I hang out with from church? The lady was already unimpressed, but when I answered that last question, I might as well have given up then and there. Ironically, she told me that I need to "go out and meet people" - which, strangely enough, is exactly what I was trying to do here. After putting up with being told that my life is "so boring" for two calls in a row, I ripped up her number and put it where it belonged. I'd much rather be lonely and single than go through that crap.

She isn't the only person I've encountered who thought it odd that I don't hang out with friends on a regular basis. A few weeks ago, I was talking with a fellow churchgoer about a movie I recently saw; it was probably State Of Play. He asked if I "called my boys" and watched the movie, to which I replied, "What boys?" His reaction wasn't nearly as rude as that of my former crush, but I could tell he was surprised to hear that my social "circle" is really a dot.

There are other reasons that I can't even think about dating right now, like being unemployed. I think the then-prospect of it hurt my chances with a recent lady I went on one date with, although the fact that I "speak in parables" (her words) probably didn't help. Regardless, people always tell me that love strikes when you least expect it, so perhaps I should set aside one month's salary in anticipation.

Actually, I would...if I was still earning a long-term salary in the first place. ;-)

Regretting My Low Social Capital

I spend most of my time alone (or by myself among strangers). I like to think that this is by choice and that I enjoy it, but the truth may be different.

I'm not anti-social and I don't have a social phobia, but somehow, I've become very comfortable with solitude. I'm not entirely uncomfortable with being around people, but my reaction depends on the situation. In any event, I don't have to worry as much about seeming awkward or unintentionally inciting disapproval when I am alone.

I can think of one incident a few years ago at a Lush party among strangers. I made an attempt to chat up a female journalist, which ended up being massively unsuccessful. To make things worse, she tried to chat me up a few minutes later; once again, I came off like an inept fool. Events like this are typical of my predicament; it's not that I don't want to talk to people, but since this makes me risk embarrassment, I often don't bother.

I can also think of the many times I pushed people away when I was in high school, particularly grades nine to twelve. It's not that I was a total jerk; au contraire, I treated people with respect most of the time. However, when I lost my temper, I really lost it. I did this often enough to make fellow students approach me with caution.

One particularly crushing event happened while my class was in Washington, D.C. with students from another high school. We went into a restaurant to eat dinner; I remember running up the stairs and picking a booth, thinking that at least a few people were longing to have the pleasure of sitting with me. I'd soon find out otherwise; I ended up sitting with two classmates, but only after being passed up by student after student after student. After confiding in a fellow classmate about this, I found out that I unintentionally made myself a pariah thanks to my outbursts.

Fast forward to the present. I'm almost thirty years old and my friend count is practically zero. I don't have a social network I can call on, and it really would have helped me deal with my job loss. Mind you, my workouts serve as my stress release. However, picking up the phone and calling someone to talk or do something with them is not an option right now.

That could make for a very lonely thirtieth birthday. If it's going to be anything like my twenty-seventh, I'm not looking forward to it at all.