Regretting My Low Social Capital

I spend most of my time alone (or by myself among strangers). I like to think that this is by choice and that I enjoy it, but the truth may be different.

I'm not anti-social and I don't have a social phobia, but somehow, I've become very comfortable with solitude. I'm not entirely uncomfortable with being around people, but my reaction depends on the situation. In any event, I don't have to worry as much about seeming awkward or unintentionally inciting disapproval when I am alone.

I can think of one incident a few years ago at a Lush party among strangers. I made an attempt to chat up a female journalist, which ended up being massively unsuccessful. To make things worse, she tried to chat me up a few minutes later; once again, I came off like an inept fool. Events like this are typical of my predicament; it's not that I don't want to talk to people, but since this makes me risk embarrassment, I often don't bother.

I can also think of the many times I pushed people away when I was in high school, particularly grades nine to twelve. It's not that I was a total jerk; au contraire, I treated people with respect most of the time. However, when I lost my temper, I really lost it. I did this often enough to make fellow students approach me with caution.

One particularly crushing event happened while my class was in Washington, D.C. with students from another high school. We went into a restaurant to eat dinner; I remember running up the stairs and picking a booth, thinking that at least a few people were longing to have the pleasure of sitting with me. I'd soon find out otherwise; I ended up sitting with two classmates, but only after being passed up by student after student after student. After confiding in a fellow classmate about this, I found out that I unintentionally made myself a pariah thanks to my outbursts.

Fast forward to the present. I'm almost thirty years old and my friend count is practically zero. I don't have a social network I can call on, and it really would have helped me deal with my job loss. Mind you, my workouts serve as my stress release. However, picking up the phone and calling someone to talk or do something with them is not an option right now.

That could make for a very lonely thirtieth birthday. If it's going to be anything like my twenty-seventh, I'm not looking forward to it at all.